Thursday, November 20, 2008

I Can't Believe It's Not Better...

…for you to consume I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter fat-free spray, the way water, fruit and other things consumed in high volume are good for you.

And, I can’t believe the high volume of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter I actually consume.

I can’t believe it…and yet I can’t stop it.

My name is Jorie, I am an ICBINB-aholic.

This, in fact, is my most unique distinguishing trait. Attempting to describe me, you could refer to me as, “the girl with the dark hair,” but there are lots of girls with dark hair; you could refer to me as, “the mom with two kids” but there are lots of moms with two kids. Say, “the one who puts I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spray on her oatmeal, cous cous, saltines, pumpkin pie filling and apples” and yep, anyone who knows me will know who you’re talking about.

Why do I ingest so much of it, I’m often asked. I don’t know why…I just know I can’t stop. I gave up alcohol and caffeine during my pregnancies, but my kids probably have yellow liquid soybean oil coursing through their veins.

Another question I hear a lot, especially among the calorie-conscious: Do I really think it’s “fat free” when I go through one bottle a week? Nope, along with the rest of you scale stalkers, I’ve seen the post on claiming that one bottle of ICBINB has about 900 calories.

I’d love to be skinny—seriously, I’m like Bridget Jones on steroids when it comes to yo-yo dieting. But while I can give up carbs, Alfredo sauce and mayonnaise, I can’t deprive myself of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. (Which is why I can believe I’m not thinner.)

It’s not just the taste: vaguely salty, somewhat buttery, but not in the rich, filling way real butter is buttery.

It’s certainly not the aftertaste: pure chemicals.

It’s the sound. Spritz-spritz.

And it's the history. I’ve been spritz-spritzing for years, after all, since it came out in the peak of the lowfat madness of the 1990s. This sound is actually what my husband has awoken to for more than seven years now, as I’ve found I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter to be quite a tasty addition to a plain bowl of Quaker Oats, Farina, wheat toast or even eggs. If I didn’t spritz-spritz it, he’d probably oversleep, so much is it a part of our daily routines.

One day, I’ll do it. I’ll kick the habit once and for all. I’ll give up on yellow chemicals and start eating my food naked.

But it’s a bit early in the year for New Year’s Resolutions. I can’t get through Thanksgiving without my ICBINB spray. So until then…



Cammie said...

you are hysterical. Better ICBINB spray then spritzing merlot on everything like I would do if it came in a bottle with a spritzer....hmmmm, must invent this.

Sarah said...

too funny!

Wendy said...

I've watched you weather the storm of ICBINB addiction... the secret spritzes, the stain of yellow on your fingers, the wistful look you get at the mention of fabio's commercials. I wonder if you would still be funny and clever w/o the ICBINB - I don't think we'll ever find out!!!
Love the blog!

Melanie said...

very nicely done jorie! and 2 cubicles away, i can hear it ;)

you're such a talented writer.

kellyioki said...